It’s an undeniable fact that eating food is an amazing experience, but you know what hits better than good food?

Free food! With the economy alone, free food is everything a Nigerian needs.

As long as it doesn’t involve a debit alert, eating these eight foods brings bliss.

1. Snail

Even before inflation held us by the neck, snails were already for the elite. As slimy and slow as they are, those suckers cost a lot. What’s more annoying is the fact that you can spend ₦3k for only four pieces of snails. That fourth one is by the grace of God. If anyone buys you peppered snail, please hug them.

2. A seafood platter

Seafood platter. Grilled lobster, shrimps, scallops, langoustines, octopus, squid on white plate.

Except you own a canoe and can navigate the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, a seafood platter is best served when a sponsor provides the money to pay. The most annoying part is how tiny everything on the plate is. From the calamari to the shrimp, they’re all so tiny. I also believe we’re all pretending to love oysters, but that’s for another day. Seafood tastes so d**n good. Dear anon, please take a cue.

3. Asun

As much as goats are cute pets, they make even better as asun. Who doesn’t like soft and succulent meat? The only issue is, goats are expensive. Very expensive. Eating asun these days is a gift. If you see anyone bringing out their card to pay for a plate of asun, eat them. Our motto is: eat the rich.

4. Pasta

Ah…pasta. The enjoyment badge for every happening b**e. As tasty as they are, they cost a ridiculous amount. Imagine someone charging you ₦9k for spaghetti you can boil at home. Well, I guess that’s the price for enjoyment.

5. Anything beans

Forget the days of ₦10 for one akara. Now, akara is rolling with the big boys. A bag of beans is now almost ₦80k and the akara sellers are out for blood. Please what are you people eating with your agege bread on Saturday morning? If it’s akara just know you’re a thief.

6. Lamb chops

Hm… is there any need to say more? Bite anybody using a fork and knife to eat lamb chops and mashed potatoes outside. Except they can point to the person that paid, they’re rolling with Abba Kyari. Besides the criminal price for lamb chops, they’re so succulent and juicy. It’s unfair they cost so much.

7. Waffles or pancakes

The fluffier the better. The weird thing is how affordable they are, but why do you want to waste your money on something that will disappear in less than 30 minutes? Why? There’s no need. It’s either you make the flat pancake at home, or not eat it at all.

8. Small chops

Just like pancakes, small chops b**g, but why waste your money? It’s just five pieces of savoury items thrown in foil paper. Drag someone to buy it for you. It’ll taste even better. The puff puff is fresher when it’s someone else’s ₦1k. Better yet, go and stand in front of one owambe and beg.