I created this account to hide my identity. I am in a very emotional state right now. I have been crying since the morning.

I haven’t left my house, not even for church. I have lost the will to live, all because of what happened last night.

I’ve been with this guy for two months. I thought he was a great guy. He was always nice to me, smart and hardworking. I lost my virginity at the age of 18 in university to someone who just wanted to have s*x with me. He lied about loving me.

All he wanted was s*x, and when he got his way, he left me and dated another girl from my department. Since then I have been afraid of relationships, especially s*x. I vowed to only have s*x with someone I would marry; someone I was sure loved me.

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When I met my boyfriend, I thought he was the one. We were a good fit for each other and we were both in the same line of work. Everything seemed to fit. I told him about my experience and my decision not to have s*x until I was ready. He agreed and said he would respect my wishes.

Yesterday, he visited me at my apartment. This was not the first time he visited me. We used to visit each other all the time. This time he brought a bottle of wine. I prepared food, we both ate, and he served us wine. The last thing I remember is taking a few sips and then everything else is a blur.

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The next thing I know, I wake up at 8am with a bad headache, cramped legs and a sore feeling around my v****a. There was what looked like dried s***n on my left thigh and something around my b****t. I could also smell his perfume on my body. He was raping me. The man who claimed to love me r@ped me. I haven’t talked to anyone since that morning, I’ve only cried. My phone was on silent all day.

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I want to report him to the police, but first I want to look at his face and ask why he is doing this to me. I had already planned to have s*x with him soon. Why couldn’t he wait? I want to involve my parents and his parents too, but I don’t want this news to spread and hurt my reputation. I am confused about what to do.

Why are men like this? I feel soiled and disgraced. My mind is flooded with suicidal thoughts all day. If I get through this, I’ll be done with relationships forever.